Feudalism with American Characteristics
︎︎︎ James Donald Forbes McCann
︎ Jan 6, 2026
I’m going to buy a fantastic hotel
And then I’m going to open a chain
And then I’m going to open a worse hotel
And open another chain again
And so on and so forth with five
Tiers of hotels varying in quality in all
From the unfathomably opulent
To the dark and drab and small
And people will earn points in my hotels
With a special point-earning system
And if they get enough points then they
Can book additional nights with them
And if they have a lot of points
Then they can peep above their station
And use the points to stay in better hotels
Within my hotel corporation.
And that upgrade is the imperishable seed
We plant into their heads,
That actually, I do deserve nice breakfasts
And great big comfortable beds.
And by the way, those middle-tier hotels,
They’re going to be absolutely fine
But they’ll be filled with fiendish details
Like unreasonable check-in times
And the staff will all have tragic flaws
And the lighting will be white-blue,
And the carpet will be grey and the art
On the walls won’t do anything for you
And you’ll pay the extra money
To stay in the better hotel
Where the staff are nice and the pool
Has a fountain and the air faintly smells
Like honey and vanilla and the shower
Head is the size of a great big pizza
And the towels are inordinately fluffy
And other guests are happy to meet you
And the lady who answers the telephone
At the desk in the lobby is accent-free
And you’ll pull extra shifts to afford
Repeated gilded normalcy,
And luxury will be what you expect,
Work hard for and demand.
I am going to overhaul the economy
With five differentiated hotel brands.
I am going to overhaul the economy
With a luxury badge for the very same car
But with something like wood on the dash
And tasteful cream leather interior
And a special lounge at the airport
Exclusively for people just like you
And the slaves will make some very
Special somehow Michael Jordan shoes.
And then I’m going to open a chain
And then I’m going to open a worse hotel
And open another chain again
And so on and so forth with five
Tiers of hotels varying in quality in all
From the unfathomably opulent
To the dark and drab and small
And people will earn points in my hotels
With a special point-earning system
And if they get enough points then they
Can book additional nights with them
And if they have a lot of points
Then they can peep above their station
And use the points to stay in better hotels
Within my hotel corporation.
And that upgrade is the imperishable seed
We plant into their heads,
That actually, I do deserve nice breakfasts
And great big comfortable beds.
And by the way, those middle-tier hotels,
They’re going to be absolutely fine
But they’ll be filled with fiendish details
Like unreasonable check-in times
And the staff will all have tragic flaws
And the lighting will be white-blue,
And the carpet will be grey and the art
On the walls won’t do anything for you
And you’ll pay the extra money
To stay in the better hotel
Where the staff are nice and the pool
Has a fountain and the air faintly smells
Like honey and vanilla and the shower
Head is the size of a great big pizza
And the towels are inordinately fluffy
And other guests are happy to meet you
And the lady who answers the telephone
At the desk in the lobby is accent-free
And you’ll pull extra shifts to afford
Repeated gilded normalcy,
And luxury will be what you expect,
Work hard for and demand.
I am going to overhaul the economy
With five differentiated hotel brands.
I am going to overhaul the economy
With a luxury badge for the very same car
But with something like wood on the dash
And tasteful cream leather interior
And a special lounge at the airport
Exclusively for people just like you
And the slaves will make some very
Special somehow Michael Jordan shoes.
James Donald Forbes McCann is a stand-up comedian.